..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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