Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
