she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
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You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
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Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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