she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
