sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
