No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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