So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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