Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Of course I have a pirate flag
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
