I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.