hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...