Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.