My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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