i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
