the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
