can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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