My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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