peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?