he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important