Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.