It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Randomize
