My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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