you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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