i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
its liver damage thursday
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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