He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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