Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
