Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
