I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.