I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Come see our sink grown plant.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
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I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
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Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals