Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
3pm strippers are depressing
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.