I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
