my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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