And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
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She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
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its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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