Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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