do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
