Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
