EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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