I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
