I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
