it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
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You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
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Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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