I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating