broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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