I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals