nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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