Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
