i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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