and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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