her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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