There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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