Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
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The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
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Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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