Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
