i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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