i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i think i scared a bird with my dick
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
