They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
i believe in u and ur pee
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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