she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
And then the night went full on bisexual.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
