i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
