I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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