I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
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You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
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i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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