T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.