He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
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mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
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he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship