"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.