I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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